Software engineer's first time

A software engineer wants to have sex with his wife for the first time. So what does he do? Very simple. He takes a systematic approach.

Step 1: Prepare a document when to have sex (Project kick off).

Step 2: Prepare a 200 page document for how long you want to have sex (Project plan).

Step 3: Read various books on sex and consult as many friends a possible. On the basis of this, prepare an SRS document. This document should contain what to have rather how to have sex. (Requirement gathering phase)

Step 4: Then decide and prepare a document on how to have sex. (Design phase)

Step 5: Prepare what other accessories are needed in order to have sex. (Project framework)

Step 6: Then prepare two dummy wives and show to your wife how you are going to have sex with her. (UI Mockup and prototype)

Step 7: If your wife is not satisfied, then redo the work from step 2.

Step 8: If your wife is satisfied, you actually start having sex with her and you find that there are a few problems with the accessories. (Change framework)

Step 9: Redo step 5.

Step 10: At last finish having sex with her and go to bathroom and have a bath. (Coding over)

Step 11: Make sure that you had your sex properly. Send your wife to an obstetrician and make sure that she is not pregnant. (Testing)

Step 12: Doctor reports that your wife is pregnant. You break your head and send your wife for an abortion. (Bug in software)

Step 13: Your wife says that the quality of sex was not good. (User acceptance test)

Step 14: You slog and try to improve the quality of sex by adding new features to it.

Step 15: Now your wife says that the quality is good but it takes too much time. (Performance issue)

Step 16: Again you slog and try to improve your performance.

Step 17: Wife is happy!!!!!!!!

And by this time your wife gets old and you loose interest in having sex with her.

(आज़ाद)

why people blog

I often wonder why people write blogs? I thought and thought over it and finally came to a conclusion that I should devote a section of my blog to try to reveal the mystery behind the interest of so many people in writing blogs. Here is what I could come up with. People write blog because

1. They have plenty of time to waste. They don’t have anything to do. (In fact most of us fall in this category.) So blog is a by-product of an idle brain. But as we know Idle brain is devil’s workshop. Does that mean a blog is a devil’s workshop? And we, the publishers and readers of the blog, are devils?

2. They have free Internet connection. Of course no one will spend 10 bucks an hour in the cybercafé writing blogs. So that means either you are in an institute like ours or you are working in some stupid software company. And that implies that you don’t have any work. Because students in a technical institute like ours never study (until it’s the exam time) or work (until it’s the final day of submission of project). And in a software industry, everyone pretends to look busy. But at the same time, everyone knows the reality.

3. They have something to say, but no one listen to them. This means they don’t have much value in the society (A polite way to say that they are losers). So if you don’t listen to me, I will deliver you my thoughts in writing. And this thing often works. Try proposing a girl face to face, and you will know what I am talking about. But writing a love letter is not so difficult.

4. They are preparing for GRE or CAT. Now where do these come in picture? Believe me, most of the bloggers are GRE or CAT aspirants. Try mugging up five words a day and at the end of the day try using these words in some sentences while writing a blog. And you will never forget those words for the rest of your life. Also for the people who take part in GD or PI, it’s a fabulous chance to express their feelings and think about a topic philosophically. That’s what you do in GD.

5. They want to reform the world. They think that their ideas have the power to change the world. They can’t talk to the whole world, so they express their feelings to the world through blogs. And surprisingly, you often find people commenting on such blogs as if the ideas expressed in those blogs really matters.

I can’t think of more reasons. If you are a blogger, don’t feel grumpy. After all, this blog had been created by someone like you.

(Azaad)

Gandhi: great man

How many of you are victims of the creatures called “guest”? Someone, who you don’t know or may be never wished to know suddenly pops up at your door and you, out of courtesy, and in order to show that you are “social”, have to welcome him. Have somebody ever given a thought that who is important: you or your guest? Many of you will say that of course guests are important. I agree. Now, if he has to stay with you for sometime, say, a night, what will you serve him for dinner. Of course, if he is special and have come to your home for the first time or visits your home rarely, you will serve him what he likes. Now consider this. If the person visits your house frequently, what do you do? Now he no more remains special and you serve whatever has been cooked.

You people might be wondering why this stupid fellow has given such a long preface. Actually today I want to say something about a great personality, Gandhi. His greatness was such that even if his grand-daughter had to come to spend her holidays with him, her parents had to pay the Ashram for her food. This man did not allow cigarettes and non-vegetarian food to the Ashramites. But if a meat-eating guest came to Ashram, special non-veg food would be cooked for him. None of the Ashramites were allowed to smoke, but Maulana who was a regular guest of Ashram, never talked to Gandhi without a cigarette in his hand. Wasn’t it his greatness to allow such things in the Ashram premises when people living there were deprived of such things? It was not that those people were not human, only thing was they had self control and they didn’t have courage to ask Gandhi about those things.

As far as I remember, in a movie called “The Legend of Bhagat Singh”, when Nehru supports the assembly bomb blast incident, Gandhi asked him, “Jawaharlal, how can you speak in favor of someone who does not follow my ideas.” Now I would like to question that great man that what right had he to say that Bhagat Singh was not his follower but Jawahar was? Let us consider some of the ideas of Gandhi. First thing was truth and non-violence. Jawahar, though a politician, could be assumed to follow these two principles. Other principle: khadi. I don’t know if Jawahar’s sherwani was made up of khadi or not. Then comes non-possession. One should possess only that much what he needs. Need in the sense that if one can do without something, he should not possess that thing. Oh boy, that holds good for Jawahar. He could never have done without things he possessed, let it be car or suits or branded cigarettes.

As far as man labor was concerned, it was the most important teaching of Geeta for Gandhi. And of course Jawahar follows that too. He used to drive his car himself. (I don’t know if he did, but I guess so.) And what to say more. The gifts Gandhi received always used to contain foreign brand cigarettes. He, being a non-smoker, and a non-supporter of cigarettes, used to keep them for Jawahar. Such a selfless character he was.

Were Gandhi’s only ideas were truth and non-violence? Could a follower of truth and non-violence be called a follower of Gandhi? These are some of the questions which any scholar of the subject “Gandhi” should think about and answer to India, who have placed this poor man in her currency.

(Azaad)

Aur Bataao

I don’t know how many of us experience this, but I think that I am not the only one who has this experience. It happened so. Last night I got a call from one of my very dear old friend. I think it was about six months or so after which I was talking to him in voice. I mean we often meet on orkut or G-Talk. And I couldn’t find any matter to talk to him on phone besides our loving team India. I guess that he was also going through the same experience. The conversation goes like this:

I: hello

He: hi dear. Paichaan kaun ?? (I don’t know really what is the need for this question when the bloody CID of your mobile displays both the caller’s name and number.)

I: oh hi . howz life man??

He: everything fine man. Actually I want your help. You remember the project we did in the school together? ………..(some baker of 30 seconds)………… ok boss. Now I understand.

I: ok. Aur bataao.

He: Oh life is cool man. Tum bataao.(Passing the ball to my court)

I: I am as cool as ever. Exams coming but no tension. After all we are “to be engineers.” Aur bataao.(I don't give up so easily)

He: Badhiya. Aur bataao.

And this aur bataao thing continued till our conversation came to an end. What really happened? Is it so that we don’t have anything left to talk or is it so that we don’t want to talk anymore? I don’t have an answer to this question. Also I have seen people talking to their boyfriends and girlfriends for the whole night. (Sometimes I wonder what they might be talking. I mean I can hardly speak for ten minutes to someone continuously.) So I concluded that people are evolving and a genetic change is taking place. Our part of the brain which is responsible for communication (not talking about subjects such as “master of communication systems”) becomes active only when we talk to our girlfriends or boyfriends and goes to sleep while communicating with others. :) Weird theory, but I couldn’t think of anything better.

(Azaad)

Team India: Height of patriotism

So finally team India is on her way back. But it is not a point to curse them. Let us have a look at the benefits of this step. It was a very good step taken by our team. There are some reasons that made our cricket team lose and to not reach even the super 8. It was not that they don’t have the capability. On the other hand, they wanted to give chance to small countries like Bangladesh. After all, we are brothers. We helped them get their independence. Now who will take the responsibility to make them play in an "honourable" series like the World Cup. So team India is merely performing its duty. And hence it is not to be blamed.

Secondly, our team is very much conscious about the future of our country. According to Gandhi, children are the future of any country. And at this period of time, many of the “futures” will be having their exams. May it be a mid-sem exams in a stupid institute like ours or IIT-JEE mains. So if team India was to play, these students, of course, will not study and spend their valuable time in watching the stupid matches. That too from 7 PM to 3 AM or so. That means bunking of lectures and schools. Some people are so crazy that they even bunk exams for these things, which is a good thing, since poor teachers are saved from checking stupid answer books. But since the future of our country does not depend on teachers, team India favored student's future.

The defeat of Team India also shows that they are altruist. They know that the public of India are mad about the game called cricket. But none ever cares for other games, may it be national game Hockey or kabaddi. Tell me honestly, how many people in India know the name of even 5 football players? So team India thought that these other games should be promoted. And if it costs their loss, they are ready to pay that too. That’s how they can decrease the interest of people from this game and maybe people can switch over to other games.

Also, our players know that those stupid softdrinks are harmful for people. And it is they who are promoting this. So in order to save Indians from various diseases, it was necessary that people should not follow what they advised to them. And hence the loss.

And finally as our team has lost, we people, all over the India, are cursing all the players. This increases the unity and sense of patriotism among people. I challenge people who say that patriotism of Indians come out only at the time of wars. Team India can do it anytime. In fact it does it everytime it participates in any of the tournaments.
Hence we saw that team India should be given respect and should not be cursed.

(Azaad)